I’ve been hyper-focusing on the mundane recently. Money worries. To the point where I fooled myself into thinking that the whole point of this existential shebang was to have money. It’s not like I am talking savings or a house, I’m talking enough money to pay bills and buy food. I am skimming my grocery list culling the unnecessaries and finding low-cost alternatives to what I need. That’s the kind of money worry I’m talking about. It’s difficult elevating my mind to my spiritual life although it’s always there whether in the “messages” received through synchronicities sent by “the universe” or in the spirit contact awake or in dreams. The other night my hands were seized and shaken hard. My response was a firm, “Fuck off!” … I have other worries right now. But perhaps I need a firm shaking in general. Perhaps all this stress is a form of soul shaking. A friend the other day congratulated me on my “uncomfortable progress”, that I was a “go-getter” she said in her Utah drawl and that I seemed to be moving forward even if it was the progress of a person dragging herself over broken glass.
I don’t know the future outcome. If I did I could digest it, adjust and make plans. It’s the unknowing that jibes. The unknowing calls for that thing I find so hard to do – letting go. It’s such a New Age-ism, “Hey man, just let go and trust in the universe!” Ah, fuck off. I’m neither open to being shaken by spirits or to having my hair stroked by a patchouli scented bro. This shit is hard. This kind of stress accompanies me every moment of the day. Only my dreams have been clear of money worries, instead I have dreamt of blood … a man in black kisses me and gifts me with a silver DNA helix that is melted down one side; a Heathen woman attacks me and steals my blood; a friend slides a silver device into my neck and also starts to take my blood … I am obsessed by blood these days, firstly as I consider my heritage and then secondly because I seem to have secondary hemochromatosis (still under investigation). Blood has spilled even into my art as I am embroidering a red blood cell based piece for exhibiting at a show next year. Anyway, at least my dreams seem to hold onto things other than money and mundane stressors. I’m doing what I can. I was told once that I was “resourceful”. I didn’t know what they meant, but now I know that it’s because I make a little go a long way, I turn situations to my benefit even if it is through death-defying mental gymnastics. That latter is a double-edged sword as it has also made me put up with crap from people for longer than I should have because I rammed on my rose-tinted glasses. Sometimes shit is just shit.
I am a Chicken Licken, always have been. Chicken Licken who had a nut fall on his head and instead of thinking, “Ah, nut!” runs around shouting, “The sky is falling in! The sky is falling in!” Whereas money worries and health worries can indeed bring a sense of celestial Armageddon, ultimately I need to chill my boots and do what I can. After all, the future does not yet exist and my degree of worrying is like facing an opponent in the ring and believing that I can beat him through fantasy alone – my inimitable mental gymnastics won’t stop me from being hit squarely in the face. But it’s up to me whether I get up again or not. Some days I honestly don’t think I will get up. I’m throwing in the towel. Other days I re-find my sense of purpose and it’s not to pay bills – although that has to be done – no, that’s not my PURPOSE. I did not slide from my mother’s belly with a desire for financial stability and money will not keep me warm in the grave. I have never had nor wanted the social standing that comes with money, so it has never been part of what makes me, Seshat.
Yes, I have done magick to help my finances and it worked exactly as I had intended for it to work. But on the same day I had confirmation that all would be well … another fucker arrived and put me back in the same situation as before. So obviously I need to be in this uncomfortable phase for another 6 months or so, which is when it will be resolved one way or another. “Uncomfortable progress” – it just depends on what you choose to see as progress. Another scan? Progress. Another blood test? Progress. Another 25 page form to fill in? Progress is a page at a time … This blog post? Progress, as I slowly pull my head out of my own behind and look around blearily at the world and realise that it’s kind of spring, in spite of the recent bout of snow. Yesterday I saw my first butterfly – large and luminous, lemon yellow, called a “Brimstone” … the devil waving hello. Fucker. After all “uncomfortable progress” is his watchword.
Tip No. 1: Don’t try to write a blog post on the Egyptian continuum whilst simultaneously listening to Eddie Izzard doing a gig in French and English. Zut alors, ma tête est fucked.
I have been working with the Spirits of Lucky Hoodoo. The basic system is surprisingly simple, although I would personally say it is demanding in that it requires daily input and is not something you drag out of the cupboard at full moons and high holidays. I am not an expert, so can only speak from my experience which is that the spirits require, and deserve, a continuous relationship.
My path has always pushed towards a life focus, not a cherry on top of the cake approach to spirituality. It is not something I want to put to the side or commercialise. I don’t want it to be a high days and holy days affair; I want a daily, hourly love affair.
I have read David Beth’s book Voudon Gnosis (the first edition twice, the second edition – which is an entirely different book – twice), and done (done? is that the right word? practised… followed… ) two of the rituals in the back of his second edition book.
Firstly I read the rituals through and as happens each time I have read a VG text by David, every fibre in me says, “Yes! That’s right!” Whereas, for example, when I read Ford, I think, “What a prat.”
But when it came to following (!) the rituals I hit against an internal wall.
I read somewhere about how occult groups, when working together, build up and acquaint themselves with a particular continuum. They essentially learn (or create) a language which they use to communicate with, to command and bind themselves to that particular continuum.
I am not part of any group, but I have spent nearly the last ten years working with Egyptian deities. They are Home for me. They are the Dark and the Light. When I go off my path and start losing myself, I know because when I return to Them, I become whole and centred, at peace and focused – the feeling is physical and intense.
So I have spent a couple of weeks rewriting David’s rituals (still in progress); listening to the Neter/Neteru, incorporating my understanding of the Duat and the role of Osiris, Anubis, Maat, Apophis, Seth and aakhu. The fact is it fits! Nothing essential was changed, and it fits. It works perfectly.
Gnosis before Logos. The word must never be made from steel, but must bend to experience, and experience must bend again to further experience, ad infinitum.
One of the main issues regarding my interest in LHP has been that the fundamental objective of the Ancient Egyptian religion was/is to maintain Ma’at and avert chaos. There are complex rituals to empower Osiris in his battle so as to enable the rising of Ra again each morning – this was not a given, not predictable, but a battle on a knife’s edge each night. That dark realm of chaos and serpents which threatened Ra and life itself was something to be feared; even Osiris was not a sure bet to bring back the sun from the Duat, hence the rituals to aid him. So to attempt to work directly with those spirits that moved through the realms of “chaos” went contrary to everything I believed, and yet the compulsion would not cease.
But now I know the Duat slightly better and that there is a thin path there to be trod. The other day I walked up to town and saw everything resplendent around me in full summer glory – lush greens, blue skies, the light glancing off the river – and I saw death in it all, because without death life could not survive. Death is the base and the foundation from which life comes. There is indeed still a nightly battle to draw Ra up into the sky, but life is a battle and never comes without pain, screaming and crying; does that make pre-birth a bad thing, that to manifest birth there has to be pain? I know pain.
Today I wrote to a friend and said, “It may sound like a contradiction, but I have been considering suicide and also feel optimistic.” Although maybe my optimism is more concerned with the direction of my spiritual path than with Life per se. Synchronicities are like petals on a path leading me through it all.
I am aware that I, as a person with bipolar, am a liability and that most if not all magicians would run for the hills before working with me, which is fine. I have heard magicians and sorcerers say either in general or to me specifically: if you are ill it means you are a crap magician (I’m a witch anyway, so suck and swivel); and if you have mental health issues you must never deal with spirits (why? it just makes it harder not impossible, and in some ways I have the edge on someone who is sane and limited by the boundaries of their sanity).
It’s not about being gung-ho, as in my mind that is also a disrespectful attitude to the spirits and Neter you wish to work with, but I refuse absolutely and categorically to be told I should not work my Path as I do.
Who should I listen to? Magicians with a body-fascist tick? Or the spirits themselves who (so far) through answering and granting what I have asked for, give their blessing to the relationship I strive to establish with them?
Blessed are the Neter for their gifts of Heka and Akau. Blessed are the Aakhu. And blessed are the Spirits of Lucky Hoodoo.
p.s. Please refer to my Who am I? page if you have any questions regarding my personal affiliations, just so there are no misunderstandings.